Archive for November, 2010

Emptiness

So. Interesting last couple of days its been, and due to it being quite late, in an empty house, and a rather appropriate song came on, I’ve come here to pour out some of the things i’ve noticed about myself and the changes in my emotions.

I feel empty & alone, and it’s not just because I’ve broken up with my amazing girlfriend of nearly 4 years due to change in my feelings for her, for whatever reason.  I’ve yet to figure out why, but the fact of the matter has been and is, they changed and their is no point in continuing a relationship that is now effectively one sided.   I’m sad, and unhappy for my emotional out come, but it is what is, and for the near future will be.   I sit here, and wonder, what happens now?  I’m not sure, but as an interesting introspective, i’ve come to realize that I am now not a whole person, in a emotional sense.

It seems that once you develop a serious relationship, that person replaces a part of your being and  as you do the same to them (I think, I don’t know for sure).  Now with her no longer a part of my life, I feel incomplete.  I feel as though I need to find that missing piece somewhere else.  I know that seeking out a relationship is foolish until this part of the separation is over, but thats why rebound relationships are all bad.  But with that I’ve also realized a few other things.  I want to do a lot of things I’ve never thought/actually expressed feelings about doing, even though I naturally should have.  At work I like to climb our shelving, whether that is because my height is below average, because I like climbing, or for what ever other reason.  I now want to go rock climbing.  I’ve never actually said this to anyone, but today I did.  It was a weird thing looking back at the 5+ years working for the company, that it’s never crossed my mind to do that.   As a male, we’re to learn the boundaries of a relationship, the do’s and don’ts of whats acceptable behavior.  Now, with that behind me, the way to act as a single male is difficult, not only due to not being single for so long, my social awkwardness is a definite detractor on my being as person.

So, here I sit, wondering what’s next and hope that this feelings are gone soon  because I don’t really like the way I feel.  Then again I don’t think breakups are meant to be easy.  I do know that there are more changes to come for me and  I know some of the things on the horizon are going to be interesting, as the yet to be planned are going to be fun to explore.

See Ya!

PS: the songs have changed a little bit as I’ve been writing this. apparently the gods of my shuffling music decided that SNL’s “Dick in a box” is the appropriate song to end this on.. thank you Andy & JT.